oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
