dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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