she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
