its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
