dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
