shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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