It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
