It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
