It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
