so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
