Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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