im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
