Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
