I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
