I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
