i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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