I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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