So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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