We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
