I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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