the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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