Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
