I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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