This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
