it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
