i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it's like heaven, but drunker
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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