The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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