Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
