they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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