I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
