My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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