your parents love me but you hate me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
