So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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