I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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