I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
