Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
