Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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