There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
