Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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