Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I want to fling myself into the sun
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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