I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
