I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
