oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
