I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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