Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
