community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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