his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
