woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
