Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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