I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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