Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
