I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
